Jamie Presents: How to Say Goodbye

viewonlineA few weeks ago, my curtains attempted to murder me by spontaneously collapsing on my head. My dad came in to try and get me out of my bed to take a walk with him, but I explained that thanks to the homicidal tendencies of my blinds, I was basically outside anyway so there was really no point in putting on shoes and exerting effort. He told me he’d deal with the evil curtains later, but was I interested in getting new ones? Without thinking much about it, I said “Nah it’s okay, I won’t be living here much longer.”

WHOA. Silence. I stupidly laughed and tried to mumble my way out of it. This comment might not have been as big of a deal if my parents were the “please-graduate-and-move-out-so-we-can-travel-across-Europe-and-taste-wine-and-eat-fancy-cheese” type, but they fall more into the “don’t-leave-for-college-there’s-a-junior-college-right-down-the-street-why-would-you-ever-leave” category. Alas, the damage had been done.

At the beginning of the year, I provided a guide of how to survive School, but now, as totally weird as it is, and as unqualified as I am to do so (see above), I think it’s time to take a stab at “how to say goodbye.”

1. Don’t say goodbye. That’s right: denial is the best way to deal with any impending difficult situation. You know the saying, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”? Well, if you simply don’t allow yourself to know you are graduating/leaving/saying goodbye, you obviously won’t ever be sad!

2. Okay fine, denial isn’t working/isn’t healthy for your mental state? Sit Marlborough down, look her directly in the eyes and explain: “It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just time for me to move on.” Be direct and honest. The same can work for your stuffed animals.

3. Go to your room and watch everything but the final fifteen minutes of The Notebook. Pretend you’re Rachel McAdams and a newsboy-hat-wearing Ryan Gosling is risking his precious life for you by dangling from a Ferris wheel to get you to go out with him. Now, instead of being an emotional wreck, you are in an especially lovey-dovey mood.

4. Go to your room and watch the last 15 minutes of The Notebook. Then play The Head and the Heart’s “Rivers and Road” on repeat until you’ve sobbed so much that you have no tears left in your body. Proceed as a zombie to bid farewell to your friends and family.

5. Cling to your friends, proclaim your love and use their newly-purchased college sweatshirts like tissues to the point where their once super soft sweatshirts are so saturated with your tears and snot that they’ll never want anything to do with you ever again.

6. Purchase a life-size cutout of yourself and attach it to your dog so your parents can’t possibly miss you because your image will always be walking around the house. And drinking out of the toilet… and peeing outside…

Goodbyes are stupid and final and who needs all that drama? We love each other and we love our School, where we can pick up a treat of Wite-Out from the vending machines and play ultimate Frisbee on Booth Field with our teachers. I think it’s important to remember that it isn’t really goodbye because, after all, “love for Marlborough will [en’d(y)oŏr].”