Last week, I purchased my first ever Snoogle. It all started at my doctor’s office, when I told her that despite yoga, physical therapy, acupuncture, etc., my chronic back pain still keeps me up at night. Instead of prescribing muscle relaxers as I’d expected, my doctor directed my attention to a type of pillow called a Snoogle™.

You may be wondering, “What is a Snoogle?”

’Tis not a Nuddle, a Slanket, nor a Snuggie, despite these names also sounding like they’re from a Dr. Seuss book.

From Google Search, I gathered that the Snoogle is a body-sized “maternity cushion, side sleeper and bed rest.” Most importantly, it is advertised as “the mother of all pregnancy pillows.”

Wait, what?

“Many moms tell us they love the low back support.”

I kept scrolling.

“…it minimizes pregnancy heartburn…”

Great. What about, like, the younger demographic…?

“After baby is born, the Snoogle can convert into a nursing pillow.” Not a huge must for me…

“So if you’re an expectant mom…” I”M NOT, THOUGH!

After watching a plethora of Snoogle commercials, I realized two things.

First, the company Leachco uses Snoogle interchangeably with the verb “snuggle.” Is Leachco a foreign brand? Are they not aware of how the word “snuggle” is pronounced? I truly hope that the company is misusing the word “snuggle” and isn’t trying to make “snoogling” a thing. That would be sad.

Second, there was a surprisingly overwhelming variety of Snoogles to choose from: the U-Shaped, C-Shaped, The Basic, The Original, The Chic, Chic Supreme… (I’m not making this up, they actually market a plain white, U-shaped pillow as “chic”).

Despite feeling uncomfortable with every word of the Snoogle’s aggressively maternal advertising, I decided to order one.

When the box finally arrived, it looked harmless enough. But it turned out the pillow had been compressed for packing.

As I opened the sealed shrink-wrapping, the Snoogle rapidly expanded to its giant, puffy Tootsie-Roll shape. Just looking at it reminds me of a forgotten segment from a McDonald’s Playplace tunnel. Even doubled into the U-shape, it’s the same length as my bed. There is barely enough room on the mattress for ME now.

Do I feel lame explaining to my friends why I have a glorified pregnancy pillow? Yes and no. You see, I got a roll-y backpack this spring for the same back issues (you’ve probably heard my suitcase-size fire hazard rolling down the halls from a mile away), so it’s not like I really have an image to preserve.

As for the question on everyone’s mind: “Does the Snoogle work?” ….Only time will tell. But this way, at least I had something to snuggle —I mean Snoogle— on Valentine’s Day.